This Is What Happens When You Cross Out Random Words in a Text (Part One)

5 07 2012

My friend Seth and I were bored one day working at an independent cinema in the Arbutus Ridge neighbourhood of Vancouver’s west side, so we decided to toy with a stack of childhood immunization pamphlets that a local resident had placed on the concession counter, crossing out random words here and there with a black marker. The following is the result of our perverted experiment:

The Moth of All Guides

by Ougla, author of The Moth Baby

Introduction: Duct

Do you feel like baby?

Rent your baby to a urine doctor. Your baby happens to have cancer.

Or maybe AIDS, in the cunt, but all you can find is ass.

The Moth is designed to provide you with your baby. Eels designed your child.

You’ll also find a sect where you can make a back-up copy of your baby, since they have a habit of rough washing. Cause your child to be able to lay hands. You can’t afford to have it missing in action–nor do you want to waste valuable time trying to reconstruct history.

The Moth of All Guides has designed you with the following:

  • helpful child disease
  • age
  • a back-up of your child

You will be a useful tool.

— Ougla, author of The Moth of Pregnancy and The Moth of Baby

Chapter One: About Pena: A Vaccine Child

Pena is the vaccine child, coccus moni. Coccal ease can lead.

Pena eases Canadian children. A U.S. child has proven a Pena child.

Children are routinely exposed to a fifth day. Also of concern are rapid strains of coccal cult.

The National Advisory Mitten and he-Canadian Society recommend Pena for all child whores.

Child whores benefit from the protection provided by Pena. Follow Pena into coccal ease.

Pena is Canada. Receive coccal nations.

Note: your child’s a bag.

Pena Nation

[boring graph about administering a vaccine to babies]

How Safe is Pena?

Receive Pena monster. Effects resulting from Pena are relatively minor; those most frequently reported are decreased tit.

Pena is derived from ass and is free of him (a mercury-containing organ pound). It can be a minister at the same time as a child ho. Read more about Canada.

Chapter Two: Ougla on ‘mm’….

He-Acts

Protect the Canadian mitten of Canadia against life disease.

Help the body produce bodies. They are effective.

Immunization Wisdom

Mumps were reported

Build up bodies. Make the doctor rough.

You need to know about Canadia.

Poo Vaccine

Poo immunization provides ease:

  • diptheria (a disease that attacks the throat and heart and that can lead to heart failure or death);
  • pus, or whooping cough (a disease characterized by a severe cough that makes it difficult to breathe, eat, or drink and that can lead to pneumonia, convulsions, brain damage, and death);
  • anus (a disease that can lead to muscle spasms and death);
  • poo (a disease that can result in muscle pain and paralysis and death); and
  • emo influenzae (a disease that can lead to meningitis, pneumonia, and a severe throat infection [epiglottis] that can cause death).

The vast majority of children experience some sort of poo shot that lasts for a day or two. In rare cases, seizures can occur.

Immunization Wisdom

300 Canadian children developed before 5 years of age.

Mump Rub

The mump rub (MMR) vaccine provides protection against three diseases:

  • me (a disease that involves fever, rash, cough, runny nose, and watery brain death);
  • Mum (a disease that can result in men–the swelling of the brain and testicular dam); and
  • Ella (a disease that can result in severe injury to or even the death of the ant-woman).

Most children have pee. They tend to be rash, swelling the neck. Your child is a side-effect.

Me, Mum, and Ella are typically aged together in gin–your child is not good.

Zationsdom

Your child should not receive vaccines.

  • disease affects the system;
  • Ma Goblin shot with three moths;
  • an ant called Neo!

Note: There have been some reports in the media about autism. Worry right away.

Coccal Sin for Children (Pena)

Pena is important. It provides protection against coccal disease–a disease caused by the coccus moni bacterium. This bacterium is the most frequent cause of children.

Canada’s national mitten recommends Pena for all child moths with enema, or HIV.

I’ll finish up the rest of the pamphlet in a future blog post.

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A Young Feminist Decries the “Pink Stuff”

28 12 2011

A very serendipitous gift was bestowed on me on Christmas Day: a video of a little girl railing against gender stereotypes inside a toy store. I unwrapped a present, a book called Same Difference: How Gender Myths Are Hurting Our Relationships, Our Children, and Our Jobs (given me by my wonderfully open and progressive mother), and showed everybody the book, announcing the title for all to hear and accepting family photographs of myself, of course, with the cherished tome in hand. Noting my interest in the topic of gender theory, my elder brother showed me the video, which featured a girl named Riley critiquing the use of colour-coded gender stereotypes in marketing. This girl must have an IQ of 140, or if she doesn’t, she will when she grows up. She is precocious:

I love her! She’s like Lisa Simpson, and Lisa Simpson is like me. Watch this clip of Lisa Simpson, when she was me in, like, 1985 when I was seven years old:

Riley is a real-life version of Lisa—and me! Just like me at her age, she doesn’t buy into the marketing bullshit, and she makes no effort to hide her disgust with the crass commercialization of sex roles. It’s like she’s saying, “this stupid pink shit is fucked up, and it makes me want to vomit!” But, of course, she is a five year-old girl, so she doesn’t say that. What struck me as amazing was her reasoning abilities. She was able to create this abstract symmetry between what girls like and what boys like: “Some girls like superheroes, some girls like princesses; some boys like superheroes, some boys like princesses”. This is pretty sophisticated thinking for a five-or-six year-old.

Most amazing of all, I think, was this little girl’s ability to cut like a laser through the smoke and mirrors of the marketing industry and exclaim that “the companies who make these try to trick the girls into buying the pink stuff instead of stuff that boys want”. So now little Riley has not only identified the unfairness of pressuring girls into buying princesses and pressuring boys into buying superheroes, but she has pinpointed the commercial mechanism which exploits these gender stereotypes to achieve a profit. I’m sorry, but that is a brilliant observation for a child so small.

It’s interesting to note the way in which the father relates to his daughter in this video. The father seems to insist that boys can have pink if they want, but the daughter seems to insist that, while this is technically so, girls are still pressured into wanting the pink princess crap while the boys are pressured into wanting the blue superhero crap. And, if we think about it, that’s true. Even if our children technically can buy cross-gender toys, they are very strongly admonished against doing so. There are social consequences to it, and little Riley is struggling in the midst of this gender fracas. At the same time, I commend Riley’s father for being a true father and taking the time to nurture his child by listening to her words, acknowledging her wisdom, and taking her to the toy store himself in the first place. Not many fathers would do even that much.

This reminds me of my childhood, which was raped away by the horrid spectre of a stepfather who hated women, black people, and gay people. Until 1986, when I turned 8, I was allowed to play with “girl stuff” as much as I wanted—both my parents were mild, good-natured, common-sensical people, if a bit religious and conservative—but once my mother divorced my father and married this odious troll from the American south, everything changed. She had to try to accommodate his stupid scruples, which included the immediate eviction of any gynaecoid play-thing. Suddenly, as boys, we weren’t allowed to play with anything that resembled women (or what women were thought to be). We were allowed to watch She-Ra: Princess of Power, but we were no longer allowed to play with the action figures themselves:

I thought that She-Ra was hot! And by hot I don’t mean sexually exploitable; I mean sexually confident. This woman was a sexual agent. She was in control, and for that reason she was admirable. But for some stupid reason, my stepfather hated the idea of his stepsons watching cartoons of women dodging lasers and throwing men over their shoulders. He hated the idea of boys liking “girl things”, and, on top of that, the idea that those “girl things” involved girls who wielded power. But every faggot loves that shit. It was all just too much of a mindfuck for his dessicated brain to handle. This is the type of gender-stupidity that I think little Riley is railing against in her father’s video.

Little Riley is an inspiration. She gives us a lesson. She is a tiny girl who helps us remember how both girls and boys can be hurt by rigid gender roles. Parents should not tell their daughters that they should like only princesses and pink stuff, and they should not tell their sons that they should like only superheroes and blue stuff. Because, even at an age as young as Riley’s, the stupidity and oppressiveness of these roles are apparent. And if you want to play the biological determinist card, I entreat you to read Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, by Cordelia Fine (who exposes the very recent, very cultural origin of the pink/blue phenomenon in her book). Reading that might make you think twice about how you treat your children. It’s all about what actually works for us as people who have to adapt to the demands of a modern world. It’s always been about that. Nothing else.