Hello, ladies! You may have noticed my new look. Don’t I look pretty? I’ll tell you though, darling, it takes a good hand to work this kind of magic on a face! You can’t get sloppy. Well, let me give you a few tips on how to create an elegantly subtle look that will grab people’s attention without scaring them. It’s really easy with a good brush and a pencil stick. I did it myself!
The first thing you want to do is scrub your skin clean and then irradiate it in the sun for a couple of hours to get that ruddy, pinkish glow. Apply a layer of foundation all over your face. After that, apply a layer of powder. Then apply another layer of foundation to conceal the powder and keep the skin looking shiny and pink! Get it all nice and good into the pore-holes so that you won’t cry from your face.
Now move on to the eyes. Don’t be afraid of a smokey eye! Use liberal amounts of purple eyeshadow and then layer some green eyeshadow on top of that if you must to get that subtle, professional businesswoman look. Employ a thick eyeliner. In my case I had run out, so I just used a fine-tipped permanent marker. Draw your eyebrow pencil slightly above the brow line to make your eyes really pop without scaring people too much. Big, thick, bushy Brooke Shields brows are in vogue right now.
Next we’re going to do the lips. I find my lipstick wears thin very easily from using my lips to do all sorts of things, like suck on straws or eat cookies, so be liberal with your lipstick. First draw the outline of your lips using a dark lipliner. I like to draw slightly outside the lip line as this creates a plumper, more voluptuous lip. Fill in the lips with a layer of lipstick–I prefer cherry red–and apply a thick layer of cherry red lip gloss on top of that. Apply another layer of lipstick and finish off with another layer of lip gloss. Now, pucker up!
Now for the cheeks. Ladies, remember not to smear big red circles on the front of your cheeks like some Victorian harlot–nobody likes a clown with rosacea. Do what I did and draw the brush along the contour of the cheek to accentuate your bone structure. However, you might find that if your skin doesn’t look pink and shiny enough, you’ll need to apply a little blush to the front of your cheeks in circular motions–apples are delicious! In fact, sometimes I use lip gloss to achieve this.
Finally, a lady wouldn’t be a lady without the proper attire and accoutrements. A cute t-shirt always looks really “kicky”–mine reads, “Dangle. Take the easy course.” Random, adorable little things like tiny coin purses or children are de rigueur–they always elicit empathy. Here I am posing with my daughter, Miranda. Isn’t she a peach? She’s attending law school now in Boston, but she’s here in Seattle for a visit. I had her after I had my tubes tied. She was an ectopic pregnancy.
And there you have it! My tips for looking like a gorgeous, full-fledged woman of the day or night. If your face looks like a flower with a couple of beetles feasting on nectar, you know you’ve done it right. Everyone will want to smell you! But remember this one, important piece of advice: always grin as big as you can, so that everybody can see your teeth. Nobody likes a grumpy-pants!